Remember Jeff Ross: 2011

March 17, 2011

Wake Service for Jeffrey Clay Ross

Katy Shaw

I am Katy, number 5 child, and I am relying on Jeff’s example of grace tonight and tomorrow to say goodbye. My normal place in the family is to be busy with food preparation and some organization for an event. I am here, hoping to help all of us remember a few things about our very special brother.

Jeff was introduced to us seven older Ross kids by Dad on the phone from the hospital, who called to tell us we had a beautiful baby brother with “flaming red hair”.

For the next few days, there was an undercurrent

of discussion among adults in the family that we children could feel. News about Mother and the baby was not being shared as much as normal. The usual joy with a new baby was there, but tempered by something else. They should be home by now. Something is different.

Finally, Dad summoned all of us to the living room for a talk. This was also out of the ordinary, as the living room was reserved for practicing the piano, or for sick kids to be sequestered to see Dr. Herndon. Adult-only conversations

happened in the living room, at which time we kids were to make ourselves scarce.

The room was a little dark. Debbie was only a toddler. Dad sat on the oversized coffee table and faced us. Your brother is fine. He is small and needs to get stronger, and he is Mongoloid. (Politically correct terms were still evolving. After all, they still called Children’s Hospital—Crippled Children’s Hospital.) Our father said: God chose our family because He knew that we could take care of him. Jeffrey is with us, because he will need lots of people to take care of him and to teach him. The doctors say that he might not walk or talk , but we know that he will have a straight ticket to heaven. Your Mother will need lots of help. This is the best place for him because we are a great family.

Mom came home with Jeff. That sweet baby was passed from lap to lap with some ceremony to seal the deal. Responsibility for him was accepted by all of us. We didn’t fully realize then the magnitude of this most prescious person, this gift.

A very pretty and quiet baby, he sucked you right in with a smile that said you were the most important person in the world. Later, he scooted instead of crawled, but was fast, and sometimes went AWOL for some minutes before we could find him. When Hank came along, there were two high chairs in the kitchen. They learned to walk at the same time, and the work in our household grew exponentially.

Jeff always had opinions and knew what he wanted. One day at age 5, when he couldn’t find a Coke to drink, he found his way two blocks down and across our busy street to Long’s Grocery to find one. He would always make the group of kids gathered for a game of touch football wait while, with the ball tucked under his arm, he sang the Star Spangled Banner. As a teenager, Jeff had a system for getting into character for a Halloween spoof. Mother had made him a long black cape with red satin lining. He had a horrible mask, and would walk up and down the sidewalk in front of the house in the dark making monster gestures, and would come in the house to scare everyone.

Jeff was the only Ross child who could successfully defy our Father. When Joe Ross would admonish him, Jeff might refuse. Then Dad would threaten to break his leg. They had their own set of rituals.

Recently, when Marie and Susan and I went to see him in Okarche, a spontaneous sing-along developed. More residents joined us in the living room, but Jeff was in charge. He vetoed as many song suggestions as he sang, and looked toward the camera flash responding “Cheesburger!” every time.

I’m sure that the staff at the Center of Family Love could tell you about more of his unique preferences. One day, Ted stopped by to visit him there, and found Jeff sprawled out along the entire length of one sofa, while other people were scrounging for a place to sit.

This combination of special sweetness and mischief

made Jeff fun to be with and fun to talk about. We Ross kids, and extended family too, were like some funky press corps, who touted Jeff’s antics with all of our friends. We wore our relationship with him like a badge of honor. He was popular, sought after, and well-loved. And so, he has become a person of influence.

With any other person, a eulogy would list all of their accomplishments. Okay. Jeff was an outstanding swimmer, he developed his own language called Buja-Buja. Remember his term, SheBeDaBoy? He was an actor.

He was smart. He developed strong and lasting relationships, and he knew how to live simply. In a high school essay, our son, Sam wrote; “He has taught me that living life in it’s simplest terms can be fulfilling. I try to make the most of everything I have, just as he does. I hope that my character is a reflection of his. He has instilled lessons in anyone who has been around him long enough to receive a big smile and a bearhug.”

He was quite a person. His sphere of influence was great. Many will miss him.

Hank Ross, Jeff's little brother

I was reminded of a story from my brother the other day. Jeff, Val, and I were taking a walk behind my grandparent’s house in Stillwater in the park. It was just “the three little boys” with one of my older brothers leading the way. Jeff was lagging behind. I was about five and ask my brother what is wrong with Jeff? He explained to me that Jeff was “retarded” which was the nomenclature use in those days to explain downs syndrome. I responded with “he may be retarded but he is not stupid. He just needs more love” Jeff was not stupid, but a teacher to many about the simple pleasures of life.

First of all Jeff taught us maybe the most important lesson in life, “unconditional love”. If you spent anytime with Jeff you know what this is about. When you were in the presence of Jeff especially during these last years, he made you feel like you were the most important person in his life. And then, 30 minutes later he made another person feel the same. Through out the years Jeff was dependent on caregivers to help him with the daily obstacles of life. They were dedicated to his cause but Jeff’s “unconditional love” helped him with the people who cared for him. The message was clear, if you are having a bad day all you need to do is visit the Center of Family Love or another venue with kids of this nature. Witness first hand “unconditional love”, it is God’s gift to us through people like Jeff.

Jeff taught us to enjoy life’s simply pleasures. If you are at Lake Texoma during the annual fishing trip and you cook three pounds of bacon. Make sure Jeff is at the point fishing and not in the cabin without supervision. Uncle JC and Wedge made this mistake only once. Not only did he enjoy food, but many other pleasures we just take for common. He loved music and especially musicals. I think musicals had the two things he appreciated most, great music and people acting. Want to entertain Jeff for hours on end, simply play almost any music or musical. But be prepared to hear his boisterous voice, song by song, scene by scene, volume not an issue, as he enjoyed this simple pleasure.

He loved to be the center of attention. In our family that can be somewhat complicated and the competition can be fierce. But eventually we would turn to Jeff and ask him to perform. Maybe it was “vampire pig” or him to recite the names of songs we would sing or hum. Sometimes when the audience was right, we would ask Jeff to perform some finger jesters. He gave back to those who were in the room and quickly he took over the show. My brother-in-law Ted mentions to me the other day and it is fitting, he was the “constant performer”. He enjoyed the simple pleasures of life, he took the opportunity to entertain and he made the best of it.

During Jeff’s last hours I witness for a final time his ability to teach. Technically he never missed a meal. He ate three meals last Friday. Yes he had dinner and died nine hours later. I also witness Jeff during the shift change that evening somewhat after 11pm as the nurses were leaving. They were very concern, wondering of the outcome. One at a time they would approach Jeff and kiss him on the forehead and each one told him they loved him. Jeff responded by opening his eyes, it was his last act. Simple pleasures in life are about maximizing relationships, Jeff did that to the fullest.

Jeff taught us patience because he knew what he wanted. We tried for the first 20 years or so to change his mind. Then we finally learned that he had his own sense on how things should be done. Asked him to slow down while eating, it depends what it was. A hamburger you had no chance. If you wanted Jeff to wear a different outfit, it is not going to happen. Want Jeff to go to the airport, he may physically turn the car around. Want him to go to bed at 10pm, nope he was a “night-Owl” Want him to go to a medically appointment, it depends on what way the wind is blowing. However, he did refuse to eat one food “Chip Beef Gravy” I think he heard Dad referrer to it as “shit on a shingle” once again retarded not stupid.

However patience goes both ways. Jeff showed patience when we would visit. Always glad to see you and no mention how long it’s been. He had patience about his needs, never complaining on what he wanted but grateful for what was presented as his. He demonstrated patience with other residents, taking in on their daily routine and subjecting him self to the rules in place. Want to define patience. There were times that Jeff would wait for hours in the sun porch on Minnesota Avenue anticipating the arrival of a sib, cousin, aunt or uncle. Just to be the first to great you.

Jeff taught us to care about people who can not help themselves. Particularly I think about the many nieces and nephews who influenced Jeff but inturn he influenced them. Those gatherings in Chickasha during the fourth of July remain maybe the center point. Although his birthday was June 11^th, Mom thought it would be more appropriate to celebrate his birthday on the fourth of July. He thought the fire works was for him! But during those hot summer days you could almost see a transformation. Jeff was the front and center of the day, the center of attention. Then nieces and nephews helping Jeff with the necessary task. They helped him open gifts, reading the cards, helping with his meal, understanding that receivership and gratitude is the gift he gave back to those who helped. He always told them thank you.

My daughter Alex could not be here tonight as she is out of the country. She has been somewhat upset about that. As the years have passed and as Jeff grew more dependent with others, the task with nieces and nephews become somewhat more complicated. Alex helped Jeff with his personal needs, sometimes not much fun. But it emphasized his point once again, that helping him helps you understand those in need, another gift taught.

Jeff was the most loving person. He gave much more than he was provided. It is well known that Jeff was one of the greatest consumers of hamburgers. But he was so much more. Some people may not realize that he was an authentic social genius. Jeff was a delightful, talented and creative entertainer. Jeff was our loving neighbor, friend, patient, brother, cousin or nephew. Let there be no mistake about this essential fact. Jeff was the very best among us.

For our family, Jeff was the glue that holds us together. A common bond between sibs living complicated lives. Realizing that without living parents there must be a central purpose. During those last hours, Jeff taught us once again the conversion from one life to another. He demonstrated that with ease and grace. He was not afraid.

The story of Dad stating that “God gave us Jeff because there will be always someone to take care of him” held true. But in the end it was Jeff who took care of us. I was a five year old kid saying “he is not stupid and he just needs more love.” But as an adult, I witnessed a teacher.

Jeffrey Clay Ross, 49, who lived most of his life in Chickasha, died early Saturday morning, March 12th, at the Center of Family Love in Okarche, where he was a resident. Jeffrey was the favorite son of the late Joe and Mary Ross, and the favorite brother of nine surviving sisters and brothers.

Jeffrey, whose education came in special education classes and whose work was in sheltered workshops, was a great contributor to the life of his family and those who knew him. Despite the limitations with which he was born, Jeff displayed a zest for the simple pleasures in life and a wit that never failed to entertain. He was a gift.

Wake service will be at 7p.m. Thursday March 17 at Holy Name Catholic Church in Chickasha, where the funeral Mass will be on Friday at 11 a.m.

Jeff was born in Chickasha on June 11, 1961. He is survived by sisters Deborah Fleetwood of Edmond and her husband Bill; Stephanie Edmond of Stafford, VA and her husband Rick. Katy Shaw of Ninnekah, and her husband Ted: and Barbara Andrews of Oklahoma City and her husband Jerry. Surviving brothers and sisters-in-law are Val and Terri Ross of Enid, Hank and Alison Ross of Chickasha, Dr. Bill and Patricia Ross of Tulsa, Dr. James and Jane Ross of Ouray, CO, and Fr. Joe Ross of Lawton. He is also survived by two aunts, three uncles, twenty-two nieces and nephews, numerous cousins and his extended family at the Center of Family Love. He is preceded in death by his parents and his niece Gayle Ann Ross.

In place of flowers memorial contributions may be made to the Center of Family Love, P.O. Box 245, Okarche, OK 73762, or the building fund at Holy Name Catholic Church. There is a blog where you can share memories at RememberJeffRossblogspot.com

Interment will be held in the Holy Name Section of Rose Hill Cemetery under the direction of Sevier Funeral Home.